I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
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The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
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[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.