Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.