‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
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What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Rather alarming headline…
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Anyone want a chair?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Battery falling down a hole
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses