Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

This one never gets the credit it deserves

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

So many pants.
So little yoga.

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.