I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
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Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.