I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
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pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
🇺🇸🤭
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby