I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
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Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*