I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
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Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Ugh but profoundly
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”