I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
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Does anyone know if I can use a lawnmower to get snow and ice off my driveway?
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.