I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
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walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
No one:
London landlords:
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate