I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
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A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house