I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
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[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
I am all good here, 😂😉
