Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

🚲+physics = winner

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :