I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
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Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.