Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wishing you and yours all the best

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

definitely did not do anything wrong

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)