Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”