I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
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Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
What a website
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
