I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
You Might Also Like
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*