Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

These 3D printers are insane!

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.