Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

1965~ Wow Cher looks good

1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good

1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good

2020 ~Wow Cher looks good

3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

Forever 21… pounds overweight

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores