@KattsDogma

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

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@DaddyJew

*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*

@DrakeGatsby

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

@TheToddWilliams

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

@remmarg_yelsel

I’d definitely watch a show with Dr. Phil going door to door reading people’s Google search history out-loud with the most judgmental stare.

@zoevsuniverse

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

@MrEd_EVH

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

@chellemybell22

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

@fuzzlime

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

@AIanHangover

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

@Jarhead44

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.