Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.