Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

crazy

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

where the womens at?

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW