Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

found this cool rock hiking today

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

The three genders

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*