I like my jims slim and my chances fat
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My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident