I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
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I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
So the ex texted me
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Chemical wingman
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless