I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
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It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Home #decor warning.
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops