I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
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so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
called in thicc to work this morning
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Optional boss fight.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.