Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…