I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
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IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.