I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
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People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize