Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

This joke is 7 years old

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run