Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

Attacked by a mop.

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

constantly working on myself.

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.