I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
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something like this could probably happen to anyone
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted