i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
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I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.