i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
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“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
In Canada they just call them geese
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
“Sheer Arrogance”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something