i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
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Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.