Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again