I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
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man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
everyone has that one prude friend
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle