I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
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Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Usage Guidelines
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Thursday Thought.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”