I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
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Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
multitasking lunch
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.