Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

uh oh

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

I am also baked goods

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Yup….perfect score!

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

How to properly lift a body

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”