I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
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Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain