Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*