Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.