I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
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A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
A fake ID that makes you younger
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I finally found a reason to live again.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.