I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
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Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
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Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket