Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
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me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Ummm
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.