i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
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HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.