Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

I’ll be mad as hell!

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.