Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.