Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

japanese corn

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget