I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
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It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager