I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
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What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?