I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
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Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I can fix him.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”