I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
You Might Also Like
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Still my favourite meme.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
We have a winner.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.