I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
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Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.