Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

craving $300 all of a sudden

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.