I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
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I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
catch me on valentine’s day like
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…