Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

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I feel it

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.