I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
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*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
You have been warned.
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.