Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off