I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
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Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
!!!!!!!!!!!
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.