I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
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i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show