I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
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I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
This guy gets it.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.