I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
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“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.