i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
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if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
