i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
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Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.