i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
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My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Me recordaron éste meme
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.