Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

So Hamburger help me, God

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

you stereotypes are all alike

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

Now who done made this a sport lmao

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd