I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
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The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…