I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
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ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE