Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]